Not Just another Blog Post – A Post from the Best Man

Best man here.  Not just another good or great man – The Best Man.  Followed by an eerie godly light whenever I wear a tuxedo and along with my ability to clean myself up so well, I am sure these are the main reasons I was chosen as Jackson’s best man.

Jeff and the eerie, godly light that follows him around whenever he wears a tuxedo

If you met Jackson before his university years, you knew him as Tom.  So that’s who I’ll be blogging about today.  It took Tom until much later in life to realize his first name rhymed with things like Action, Attraction and Satisfaction.  I first met Tom in high school chemistry class.  I don’t recall the details of it but I probably made some kind of obnoxious poop, fart or dick joke and Tom thought to himself “Hey, this guys alright.”  And once I found out that his Mom had a hot tub, our friendship was set.  Little did I know he was just using me for my brains but little did he know I was just using him for the hot tub.  It was a good arrangement which eventually led us to today – Me as the best man in his wedding.

Well Tom certainly is a character.  You may not know this, but Tom has been lead singer of many bands throughout his late teen and early adult years, and even continues his musical career to this day.  If you ever hear someone crooning at your window late at night and think “Is that Gowan?” you won’t be far off – It’s Tom Wilson.  As Tom mentioned in an earlier blog, we even started a band together with our friend Scott called the Suckwads.  Later in our career (several hours later) we changed our band name to Ass-notes and the Shitty Beats.  The band broke up later that night – We weren’t very good.  I think we spent too much time thinking of a name than actually playing.

Tom and I are both huge hockey fans.  Unfortunately for Tom he is a Canadiens fan.  (I noticed this is a bit of a trend with the wedding party too, and I have to say I am sorry for you all).  I have witnessed many a Habs loss with Tom present and I can’t say I envy Loretta after a game where his team loses.  At least I can send Tom home after a big loss… But on those miracle nights when the Habs actually win, Loretta must feel like the luckiest little girl in the world.  Together Tom and I have witnessed many great hockey events such as my Penguins winning the cup in ’09, Crosby scoring the golden goal for Canada, and very soon I will take the winning $200 from the hockey pool Tom set up this year.

(Poop Warning)  After reading the Maid of Honour’s blog a week or so ago, one thing that Tawnyah wrote about Tom stood out to me.  She said he is “one of those rare people that their shit actually doesn’t stink.”  This struck me as a bit odd and made me seriously wonder if she was talking about the same Tom I know.  Maybe I’m just taking things a bit too literally, but the Tom I know can’t turn around without taking a shitty poop.  “Hey Tom, where were you for the last 5 minutes?”  and with a thumbs up and a grin he would reply “Poopin’!”  Then he would go on to describe it in detail… Well at least he is efficient at it.  Then he would disappear again another 30 minutes later.  Efficient and frequent.  In fact if you scroll to the top of this blog and look at the pic of Tom and Loretta you can kind of tell that Tom is holding one back.  Tom is also the perfecter of the “fake dump” at work to get an extra break or two.

Alright, that’s enough toilet talk for one blog I think.. but I think in a nutshell that sums up a big part of our friendship.  Now, when Tom told me he was dating a brain surgeon from the internet I’m pretty sure I thought “Wow, great story Tom.”  He told me their first date was riding a tandem bicycle along the beach into the sunset and was a really scrumtrulescent time ;).  That’s when I really knew he was making it up… that’s not even a real word.  But he wasn’t making (some of) it up.  It turned out Loretta was real and lived in London.  She wasn’t actually a surgeon but still pretty brainy… ah-ah-ah.  We Paris folk will still refer to her as the brain surgeon.

It was just the other day that I realized fully and completely Tom was ready to move on from Me to Loretta.  I sent Tom this beauty of a picture:

Their fathers must be so proud

only to find that Loretta had shown Tom the picture a few days earlier.  It may be photoshopped, but still hilarious.  Yes Tom, I think I can now say with conviction that you have found the one.  And as Tawnyah would say, Loretta, I don’t think your shit stinks either.  And yes, I really am restraining myself from typing out another poop joke right now.  I look forward to the wedding speech!

I’ll leave you all with a gem from the past – Tom and I in our high school prime.

Clearly, no one ever accused us of being 'too cool for school' in high school.

“Hoo-hah-Gate 2008”

So we’ve asked the bridal party and some close family to write a post about why they think we deserve to win… here is Tawn’s blog (our amazing maid of honour). Rick at Rick Denham Photography, Jay at Captivate Bridal Cinema, and Mary at WeddingGirl.ca give this one a read – its a long one but worth it! Thx so much T

I would first like to “say hello to my little frieeeeeend!!” Loretta (or Retz, as we call her).

Being a 5’10 blonde and having a best friend that’s a 5’1 brunette we may look odd together, but there’s not really anybody in the whole world that compliments me as much as she does (minus my favourite boyfriend Todd “the bod” —there’s your shout out TB—). While Loretta is small in stature, I have never met anybody who has a larger sense of ambition or personality in my 28 years on the planet.

One of my first memories of Loretta is when we were at tryouts for her first year (my second) of Brock Cheerleading. She was on the top of a 3 person high pyramid and was thrown quite violently to the hard wood floor on her head when nobody caught her (I promise I was on the other side of the room at the time!!!).

That day I grew a huge admiration for her because she just picked herself up like nothing, when I would have been calling for the waaaaambulance and milkin’ that shit for the rest of practice. She did end up going to the hospital with a severe concussion, but she returned the next practice raring to go. Little did I know that this was a characteristic of Loretta that she would demonstrate frequently through her life, being the most resilient person on pretty much the entire planet. I’ve never seen someone get knocked down so many times just to bounce back with positivity and an explosive desire to fight, which she instills in everyone around her. Working with kids I hear the excuses “Oh they didn’t have the best childhood” or “Oh they’ve had a lot of obstacles” used frequently in order to rationalize under achievements and poor character. Loretta grew up in a single-parent household, with a very hard working Mom and wasn’t handed a lot of the luxuries that most of us take for granted.

I feel so privileged to tell others that my best friend despite everything worked hard enough to earn a full- paid scholarship as the student entering Brock with the highest academic average for the 2003 academic year (How many people can say THAT?!?). She has even busted her butt to maintain this scholarship through her undergrad, masters and currently while doing her PHD in Neuroscience.  She’s obtained this while working at least 2 jobs at a time (in order to keep her head above water), being an elite cheer athlete, coaching numerous cheer teams AND being a volunteer within her community.  Every “Pinky” needs their “Brain” and Retz is certainly mine …. NARF!!

She works at a very difficult job in the ICU performing tests to see if people will come out of their comas and while there are happy moments she encounters a lot of loss of life on a daily basis. This takes an extreme amount of intelligence but an even larger heart and much compassion for others.

Jackson, I’m going to level with ya man…… I was on the defense when Loretta started dating you after a couple of “not so stellar” boyfriend choices. I liked you from the start, but what really seals the deal as most people know with me is whether or not my dog Nomis (a very disheveled and free-spirited little Pomeranian) likes you. He has sealed the fate of more than one of my potential boyfriends. You passed the test with more than flying colours after I was informed that he snuck into your room and licked your bare bum ( how you were sleeping naked we will leave that to our imaginations!!) while house sitting for me. You aren’t only a super cool guy and the best boyfriend EVER to my best friend but you are one of those rare people that their shit actually doesn’t stink! (Feel free to use this on future job resumes and to use Nomis and I as references)

Loretta has always been my biggest advocate and protector, especially when I needed it the most. There’s days when you’ve had a cheating boyfriend that nothing feels better than to watch your 96lb best friend chase him up Hogan’s Alley in Port Dalhousie and throw a random slushy (that just happened to be on the sidewalk ) at his windshield as he drove away with another girl!  Every time that 6ft 3 guy saw Loretta after that night whenever we were out, he ran away like a little girl! Whenever I’ve been put down, picked on or taken advantage of by somebody she’s always stepped in front of me or done her infamous flailing “Elaine Benis dance” or “mosh pitted” in order to clear the way and protect her best friend who was standing at 6’2 in high-heels behind her J Loretta is not only a talented athlete but an even better coach, who brings out the best in anybody she steps into the gym with including myself when I stunted with her as my top and coached our “dream team” Cheer Energy Venom with her.

My favourite Loretta story happened at a sleepover when I was out of the room and came back in to a little girl just wailing at the top of her lungs. I couldn’t really make it out… but it sounded like someone had pushed her into the foam- pit. My first instinct was to yell” Well whoever did it, I will be calling their parents and they can go home right now!!” She points to (in case you haven’t guessed haha) Loretta and yells “SHEEEEEE DID IT!!!!” I laughed so hard that I was the closest I’ve even been since I was 4years old to peeing my pants!!  Loretta being the fun little firecracker she is just wanted to liven things up by yelling “Everybodyyyyyy lets jump in the pittttt!” and throwing all the little 4 footers in. A couple weeks later she made me laugh even harder when we were spotting a girl doing a back handspring and I then fell down spread eagle in short shorts exposing my “hoo-hah” COMPLETLEY to her. The noise that came out of her mouth sounded like a dinosaur eating a camel in heat then she yelled “I need to find an eyewash station”. The whole gym exploded and at the end of the year more than one kid put it as their favourite memory!! I think it’ll take a lifetime for me to shake this one down!

So for the LOVE OF GOD please reward Loretta with an awesome wedding for not just being her amazing self….but for being a survivor of “Hoo-hah-Gate 2008”!!!!

XOXOXOX Tawn

Tawn and Loretta coaching Venom at a cheer camp in Ohio! Yes we thought it was a good idea to take 30 teenagers to Ohio for a week lol.